Uncategorized

  • Uncategorized

    When the Numbing Stops

    December 30, 2025 - By 

    I am learning that healing doesn’t arrive gently.

    It comes when the numbing stops.

    When the distractions fall away.

    When the coping mechanisms that once kept me alive step aside and everything they were holding back comes rushing in.

    Pictures.

    Flashes.

    Sensations with no words.

    Feelings that don’t belong to today, but demand to be felt anyway.

    For a long time, survival meant staying busy, staying numb, staying ahead of my own body. I didn’t have the luxury of stillness. Stillness wasn’t safe then. Feeling wasn’t safe then.

    Now I want peace.

    I want rest.

    I want my nervous system to believe that the danger has passed.

    But my body doesn’t know that yet.

    So when the memories surface, it’s not because I’m weak.

    It’s because I’m no longer running.

    There’s a strange grief in realizing how much pain I had to carry just to function. And there’s fear too. Fear that if I let myself feel it all, I’ll disappear under the weight of it.

    But I haven’t.

    I’m still here.

    I don’t want to die.

    I don’t want to hurt myself.

    I don’t want destruction.

    I want relief.

    I want the kind of quiet that doesn’t feel empty, the kind that feels safe.

    If you’re reading this and feel like you’re unraveling now that you’ve stopped numbing, please know this: this does not mean you are getting worse. It means your body finally believes there might be room to heal.

    Healing doesn’t look like strength all the time.

    Sometimes it looks like shaking.

    Sometimes it looks like tears that come out of nowhere.

    Sometimes it looks like needing help even though you’ve always been the one who held everything together.

    I am learning that being “okay” doesn’t mean being untouched by what happened. It means learning how to stay present while honoring the pain that shaped me.

    I am allowed to go slowly.

    I am allowed to rest.

    I am allowed to need support.

    I am allowed to heal without proving anything to anyone.

    If you feel flooded right now, you are not broken.

    If you feel exhausted by survival, you are not failing.

    If you’re scared because things are surfacing, it doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice. It means you chose honesty over numbing.

    I am still here.

    And for now, that is enough.

  • My Journey đź’ś - Uncategorized

    The Walls I Built Out Of Survival 🕊️

    October 31, 2025 - By 

    There’s a part of me that still flinches at kindness, a part that braces for disappointment even when nothing bad is happening. I’ve learned to call it what it is… survival.

    When you have been hurt, betrayed, or made to feel small, your mind learns to protect you in ways you don’t always understand. It can build walls that are disguised as independence. It can grow thorns where there used to be softness. It convinces you that being guarded is the same as being safe. 

    But recently, I’ve learned to sit with the uncomfortable truth that some of those walls are keeping out the very peace I’ve been praying for. 

    There are moments where my anger scares me. Not because it’s violent, but because it’s deep. It comes from all the years I silenced myself, from all the times I was made to believe that being kind meant being quiet. That forgiveness meant erasing my pain. I know now that anger isn’t the enemy. It’s the body’s way of saying, “I deserve better.”

    Still, there’s a tenderness underneath it all that never really went away. The part of me that still loves deeply, forgives easily, and wants to believe that people can change. Sometimes I get frustrated with that part. She feels a little too naive, too trusting, too hopeful… But I think she’s the truest version of me. The one who existed before the world tried to harden me. 

    The truth is, I’m both. 

    I’m the walls and the softness. The fire and the grace. The girl who still gets angry, but also the one who keeps choosing love anyway. 

    Healing isn’t about erasing your defenses. It’s about learning when you don’t need them anymore. It’s about recognizing that your strength comes from survival, but your peace will come from release. 

    You are not broken. 

    You are human.

    The fact that you still love…

    After everything that tried to make you stop…

    That…that right there says everything about who you are.

    Foster number 2 đź’•