Yesterday, I went out to celebrate a friend’s birthday. There I was laughing, joking, having fun, finally feeling light again, and then I heard her say, “They’re here. Right behind you”.
Honestly, I thought it was a joke.
Just a reminder, these are the two people who, only 4 days ago, pushed me to my absolute limit. So no, I didn’t believe it. But when I turned around there they were. Both of them.
I think I just started laughing… that kinda laugh that comes from shock, from disbelief, from the tiny part of your brain that refuses to process reality. I could feel myself slipping. Back into the past, back into the trauma, and back into the pain. I wanted to cry, yell, and just give up.
I couldn’t have just one moment, one night when I didn’t need my walls up, one night I believed that I was safe. I was just… fed up.
They sat at the table right behind. I walked over there, looked them right in the eyes, slammed my food down, turned away and put both my middle fingers in the air.
Was it messy? Was that the best reaction? I think we all know the answer to that.
But when you have to live in a world where someone has painted you as something you’re not, when they’ve manipulated you, gaslighted you, and hidden the truth from everyone. Your reaction is always going to seem messy, dramatic, and maybe even crazy to those who don’t know the full story.
I’d rather be messy and real than numb and fake.
So yeah, I broke again. But something new happened this time.
Somewhere in the middle of all that chaos, I just… didn’t care anymore. The anger, the fear started to fade. Without even realizing it, I let it go.
What probably looked like another setback to some turned out to be a quiet victory for me.
It’s one thing to just say you’re healing. It’s another thing entirely to look at yourself in the mirror and face what your trauma has done to you.
I could act like I didn’t care. Pretend it didn’t hurt. Pretend it never happened. But that’s not healing. That’s hiding.
I’m learning that I don’t need to protect myself from him anymore. He has no control over me. Not my mind, not my heart, not my peace.
The only thing I can do now is keep healing.
Keep showing up.
Keep calming down the parts of my nervous system that still believes I’m unsafe.
If you have been here before. If you’ve ever felt that same mix of rage and heartbreak and release.
I understand you.
I see you.
I hear you.
~Samantha ❤️
